Thursday, July 22, 2010

july 22

I didn’t have an opportunity to review the notes Kris took from my crit today; but I know it was life changing. I know I need to make a commitment to the kind of art that I want to make. Is it the process or the finished product? If my work here is a series of sketches, what does that mean to me? I need to feel with all parts of body – head, heart and gut. To push the limits of comfort zone and create what I feel and be confident in what in I have to say. To know who I am. Really show what is inside. Hmm….. Tim had asked me to change the state of my being by being present in the moment that I am… that awareness was a matter of choice. For example he asked who would I turn to if I really wanted to be pushed and to grow. I thought of someone that I love so much. Someone who has seen me at my worst, my most despair, my most glorious, vulnerable- I am surmising here, but dare I say, my anam cara.
Briefly stated, my work is not finished. It is temporal. It is a sketch of a moment. I want to work in real time, not in finished thought out models or sketches. But in moments. Once a feeling is had – it cannot be captured or repeated. My work is like that. Or my statement about life is like that. Perception changes because of time and your place in time. Like the conversation that I had around the ice painting. I remember the frustration of explaining to everyone what I thought of painting at one particular time and moment and how that changes everything when I paint in a different day and time. This makes sense now. I also know that I didn’t allow me to who I am. That I shared too much of me. I don’t know what to make of this feeling. How do I give my self away and still be generous? What is mine and what is okay to give away?
I think I can answer Jennie’s question: how does intuition factor into my work? It is everything. I work in the present moment and the work is a record of that moment – my work is not permanent or archival and neither is my feeling or being for that matter. Perhaps these thoughts are crude and not well placed – but are a start.

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