Thursday, June 23, 2011

What the Hopi Indians say....

‘I procrastinate worse than anybody. Writing is so hard. I need eight hours to get maybe 20 minutes of work done. I had one of those yesterday: seven hours of self-loathing.’ Dave Eggers, interviewed in the Guardian. (thank you Susannah Conway for posting this quote)
Today is my day to procrastinate, but I am avoiding the self-loathing. On this coming Monday, I present my first draft of the final MFA thesis. I have worked on this thing for nearly 6 months. Ugh. Today, I viewed Martha Stewart's facebook video of hotdog and buns three times to avoid writing. I have weeded every section of the vegetable garden and if hadn't rained, I would have transplanted every damn flower in the yard to avoid this task. Why did I only select Eva Hesse for my thesis? What does she mean to me and my work as an artist? What conclusions do I have for my thesis? I want the perfect answer. But there are none. I just need to believe in myself, know and trust myself. Most importantly, I need to be grateful for the opportunity at 43 years old to achieve my long awaited MFA in fine arts. I needed this degree to confirm to myself that I am an artist. Now, after a long two years of working on this degree full time, working as an elementary art teacher, being a wife and mother of furry children- I have done it. There's no need to be anxious about this 30 page paper. I can stop proving myself to everyone because I wanted this degree and I did it. I am almost there. This last term I am giving myself permission to be free. I am going to have the courage to let my heart  sing. The Hopi Indians have a saying "To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak." I am thrilled to be here at this point - the last semester of grad school. It will be a long six weeks, but I am ready to love it. Watch me dance.
Ken Ross Photography

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